Reflections on Anger and Pain
Meeting hostility with compassion
Some time ago I encountered an individual who was universally disliked by everyone I knew who encountered them. On the day I met this individual, they were argumentative, labile and frankly, hostile. I have rarely thought this but this individual was unlikeable in almost all respects.
The encounter got me thinking about why some persons respond to pain by lashing out at the world. I think that when a person is suffering, the suffering has to find some expression. For one person it might be playing video games all day because they would rather not face their reality, for another it might be through tears. For another person it might be drawing close to their loved ones and for yet another it might be alcohol.
For this individual I met, I suspect that it was easier to criticize, belittle and demean those around them rather than stare into the black abyss of their own pain. Although this realization didn’t slow my racing heart when I was interacting with them, it did give me compassion. I imagined what it might be like to spend a day in this person’s mind, wracked as it was with anger and grief.
There is some truth to the idea that persons who create suffering around them tend to be in a great deal of pain themselves. This doesn’t justify the vitriol or hostility but I think it can provide a bit of an explanation.
When I realize that the person in front of me isn’t just a pulsating mass of hatred but more truthfully is a person in pain who is expressing that suffering though inflicting it on those around them, I ground myself in our shared brokenness. I see a soul in pain and in turn am moved to compassion. And there is room in my own compassion for a bit of anger and frustration too.
I did everything I could to help this person, and at the end of the day, found rest in knowing that I had attempted to meet their anger with love. How I wish I did that more often!
